What Actually Happens in IFS Therapy, and Why It's Not What Most Men Expect

Most men are taught to approach anything that isn't working the same way: name it, fix it, move on. It's a reasonable way to come at therapy, too. So it's worth saying plainly, before you walk in, that IFS doesn't really run that way, and the difference is the thing most men notice first.

You are not coming in to be told what to do. That might be a relief, or it might be the strangest part of all.

What the first session is actually like

The first session is mostly a conversation. We talk about what brought you in, and what you are hoping might change. You talk, I listen, and we follow the things that matter. That is most of it.

There are a few things it is not. It is not an interrogation, and you do not have to arrive with it all worked out. It is not a session where you are expected to dig into the worst thing that ever happened to you on day one, and I will not push you there. It is not lying on a couch talking about your mother, unless that turns out to be relevant to you, and even then only when you are ready. You set the pace. If something feels like too much, we slow down or leave it.

Mostly, the first session is about getting a feel for whether this is going to be useful, and whether this is a room where you would say more than you usually do.

What "working with a part" actually means

Here is where IFS can sound a bit much from the outside. You will see language about "parts," and "Self," and even "talking to your parts," and if that sounds like it is not for you, you are not the only man to think so.

So here is what it actually means, in plain terms. You already know the feeling of being in two minds about something. Part of you wants to say something, part of you keeps quiet. Part of you wants out of the relationship, part of you cannot imagine leaving. That is all a "part" means. Not voices in your head, not anything strange. Just the ordinary fact that you are not one single thing, that different bits of you want different things and sometimes pull against each other.

Working with a part is just paying attention to one of those bits instead of being swept along by it. Noticing the anger as it rises rather than becoming it. Getting curious about the thing that goes quiet and shuts the door, instead of just calling it a problem. That is the whole move. You do not have to use any of the language for it to work, and plenty of men never do.

Some men find that language useful. For others it gets in the way, and I can usually tell when it is not landing. When it is not, we stop using it, and talk about the thing that goes quiet the moment an argument starts at home, what it is doing there, what it is worried about, why it turns up that fast. Nothing about the work changes. The vocabulary changes, and the vocabulary was never the work.

Why I will not just hand you techniques

The thing that surprises most men is that we are not trying to get rid of the thing they came in about.

If a man comes in because of his temper, the instinct, his and everyone else's, is to get the anger under control. Breathe, count, walk away. Those things have their place, but they work on the wrong end of it.

Anger usually arrives second. Something comes first, and it is quick, and it is often small. Not being heard. Being made to look stupid in front of people. Something landing harder than he would ever admit. The anger turns up straight after, loud and fast, and it is doing a job, it gets him out of the first thing before he has to feel it. Which is why controlling the anger rarely holds. It manages the exit while the thing it is carrying him away from is still sitting there.

So instead of going to war with it, we get curious. What showed up just before it. What it is worried would happen if it stopped turning up so fast. Anger is the clearest example, and there is more on it in the post on anger and IFS.

That is the reversal that catches men off guard. You come in wanting to shut something down, and the work starts by turning toward it instead. It is not soft, and it is not about excusing anything. It is just that getting to know the thing tends to change it in a way that fighting it never quite does.

Managing a thing keeps it where it is. Understanding it is what actually moves it.

Is this going to be all feelings?

Short answer, no. You will not be made to cry, and you will not be asked to wallow. A lot of the work is fairly practical and fairly plain, noticing what happens, tracking where a reaction comes from, working out what a part is up to. Feeling comes into it, because the things that get stuck are usually held down by feeling, but it is not the point of the exercise and it is not forced. If anything, most men are surprised by how ordinary and how straight the conversation is.

This is Internal Family Systems, and it is some of the most common ground in my work with men. You can read more on the men's therapy page.

What you actually leave with

It is worth being straight about pace. You do not usually walk out of a first session fixed, and anyone promising that is overselling it. What tends to happen, over time, is smaller and more useful than fixed. A bit more room around the thing that used to run you. A bit more choice in the moment before you react. The sense that the anger, or the shutting down, or the drive that will not switch off, is not just who you are, but a part of you that took on a job a long time ago and could put some of it down.

That does not arrive all at once, and it is rarely a straight line. But it holds better than a technique you have to keep remembering to use, because it is not something you are managing. It is something that has actually changed.

Frequently Asked Questions

Do I have to talk about my childhood or my past straight away?

No. The first session is about what brought you in now and what you are hoping for. If earlier experiences turn out to be relevant, we get to them when you are ready, not before. You set the pace throughout.

What if the "parts" language just does not land for me?

That is fine, and it is common. The language is only a way of pointing at something ordinary, that different bits of you want different things. If it gets in the way rather than helping, we drop it and just talk plainly. The work does not depend on you buying any of the terms.

Is this going to be all emotions and crying?

No. A good deal of it is practical, noticing what happens and working out why. Feeling is part of it, because that is usually what keeps things stuck, but it is never forced, and most men find the conversation more straightforward than they expected.

How is this different from just getting advice or techniques?

Advice and techniques work on what you do. They can help, and I am not against them. IFS works on the part underneath that is driving the behaviour, which is why the change tends to hold rather than needing constant effort to maintain.

Do I need to know what is wrong before I come?

No. Often the thing that gets a man through the door is not the thing underneath it, and working that out is part of the job. Turning up with "something is off and I am not sure what" is a perfectly good place to start.

What actually happens in the first session?

Mostly a conversation, at a pace that suits you. We talk about what brought you in, what you are hoping might change, and whether working together feels like a fit. There is no pressure to share more than you are ready to.

The short version

• Nobody is going to tell you what to do. That is either a relief or the strangest bit of it.

• The first session is a conversation. What brought you in, what you are hoping might change. You set the pace, and you do not need it worked out beforehand.

• You already know the thing this works with: wanting out and not being able to leave, both at once. Being in two minds. That is the whole premise, and it needs no vocabulary.

• If the terminology does not land for you, we drop it and talk plainly. Plenty of men never use it.

• Your temper is not the enemy. It is doing a job. Override something that is doing a job and it comes back, or it comes out sideways.

• Not all feelings. Most of it is practical, noticing what happens and working out what is driving it. Feeling comes into it, but it is not the point and it is not forced.

• You do not leave fixed. You leave with more room around the thing that used to run you, and a beat of choice before you react. That holds better than a technique you have to remember to use.

Coming in Without Knowing What to Expect

If you have been putting off therapy partly because you do not know what you are signing up for, that is fair enough, and hopefully this clears some of it. You do not need the right words for it, and you do not need to have it figured out. You just need to be willing to look at it honestly, with someone whose job is to help you do that.

I work exclusively with IFS and see individuals only, with sessions available in person at my North Sydney office and online across Australia. If you are looking for IFS therapy in Sydney, I offer a free 15-minute intro call where we can talk through what you are looking for and whether working together might be a good fit. If you are still deciding who to see, there is more on finding an IFS therapist in Sydney.

You can book directly at crawfweir.as.me.